Episode 66
It’s Time to Get Out Of the Box You Are Living In With Amanda Crowell – Encore | UYGW066
We are excited to bring you this encore presentation of one of our most popular episodes. We hope you enjoy!
When you have a moment of success, do you feel like you need to hide? NO MORE. This is the encouragement you need to let success come to you.
Join me as we discuss:
- Why we worry that our success will upset others
- How our friends can perpetuate our worries
- How our success inspires others
Resources Mentioned:
Join the Great Work Community here: amandacrowell.com/great-work-community
Click here to get your own copy of Amanda's book, Great Work.
About The Host:
Dr. Amanda Crowell is a cognitive psychologist, speaker, author, and coach focused on changing our perspective on the world of work. It IS possible to do Great Work—the work that calls to you from the inside-- without sacrificing your health, happiness, and relationships.
Amanda is the Author of the book, Great Work: Do What Matters Most Without Sacrificing Everything Else, and the creator of the Great Work Journals. Amanda's TEDx talk has received almost two million views and has been featured on TED's Ideas blog and Ted Shorts. Her ideas have also been featured on NPR, Al Jazeera, The Wall Street Journal, Quartz, and Thrive Global.
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Transcript
A friend of mine recently got an article
Dr Amanda Crowell:accepted into the journal Science. That's a big deal. When
Dr Amanda Crowell:you get something into science, you're pretty much guaranteed a
Dr Amanda Crowell:job at a research institution, or at least a really, really
Dr Amanda Crowell:good postdoctoral fellowship. It opens big time doors. For real.
Dr Amanda Crowell:This is one of my very good friends. And she does really
Dr Amanda Crowell:interesting research. She deserves this break. And yet,
Dr Amanda Crowell:when she was telling me her good news, it went like this. You'll
Dr Amanda Crowell:never guess what happened. Remember that study I was doing
Dr Amanda Crowell:about that thing? I'm going to stop right there, because
Dr Amanda Crowell:researchers will go, shall we talking for the next 15 minutes,
Dr Amanda Crowell:we go into extremely intense detail. This is me. Yes, of
Dr Amanda Crowell:course. Well, my advisor suggested that we submit to
Dr Amanda Crowell:science, but of course, I never thought it would get in. Right?
Dr Amanda Crowell:No, really, no one ever gets into science, like 1% of things
Dr Amanda Crowell:are accepted to science. But it did. I can't believe it. It's so
Dr Amanda Crowell:crazy. I really didn't expect it to but it got accepted. And they
Dr Amanda Crowell:don't even want very many revisions. That is so great. I
Dr Amanda Crowell:know. And then she seemed to lose a little bit of steam. It
Dr Amanda Crowell:is right. I'm sorry. I should have asked you about your work.
Dr Amanda Crowell:She looks down and then at me a little nervous. She didn't want
Dr Amanda Crowell:me to feel bad about where I was in light of her good news.
Dr Amanda Crowell:You're sorry. Oh, no, no, you're not awesome. Yes. Proud. Yes,
Dr Amanda Crowell:amazing, obviously, but sorry. Oh, hell no. Now we've been
Dr Amanda Crowell:friends for years. And I've never known her to hide from
Dr Amanda Crowell:success. But this one seemed like just a little bit too much
Dr Amanda Crowell:for her. I could see it dawned on her that this might divide us
Dr Amanda Crowell:that I might feel left behind. This happens a lot. It's pretty
Dr Amanda Crowell:common for someone to have a moment of success and then lay
Dr Amanda Crowell:really low, like they did something wrong. It's a silly
Dr Amanda Crowell:word balloons, living alongside all these other balloons in a
Dr Amanda Crowell:neighborhood of boxes, a constrained but orderly
Dr Amanda Crowell:existence. And then suddenly they find themselves alone
Dr Amanda Crowell:outside, untethered, and on the rise, after a moment, Freedom
Dr Amanda Crowell:induced euphoria, they get spooked. What about everyone
Dr Amanda Crowell:else? What if they don't want to talk to me now that I'm outside
Dr Amanda Crowell:the box, and then they run back inside determined once again to
Dr Amanda Crowell:live low, just like everyone else. I hear them. No one wants
Dr Amanda Crowell:to be all alone in a scary, unpredictable world. But the
Dr Amanda Crowell:same time, do you want to live your life trying to be so small
Dr Amanda Crowell:that no one ever feels intimidated, impressed or amazed
Dr Amanda Crowell:by you? That doesn't sound to me, like a life where you will
Dr Amanda Crowell:make things that you care about better, or where you push your
Dr Amanda Crowell:artistic, logical and creative boundaries to new heights, it
Dr Amanda Crowell:surely doesn't sound like a life full of adventure, challenge or
Dr Amanda Crowell:excitement. It is not a life of great work. You have to leave
Dr Amanda Crowell:the box behind my friends. Because first of all, that box
Dr Amanda Crowell:is boring, you are already chafing against it, aren't you.
Dr Amanda Crowell:And frankly, that box is dangerous, because there's
Dr Amanda Crowell:always someone who wants to make it smaller.
Dr Amanda Crowell:Let's imagine that you did something really great. Like get
Dr Amanda Crowell:your first truly ideal high paying client. And then along
Dr Amanda Crowell:comes your accomplished friend. Don't be too awesome, darling.
Dr Amanda Crowell:She says I'll feel left out even though I'm also pretty great. So
Dr Amanda Crowell:you downplay your success and start saying it's no big deal.
Dr Amanda Crowell:And I must have great luck, and your box shrinks. Then along
Dr Amanda Crowell:comes to your friend. And then along comes your friend who
Dr Amanda Crowell:feels stuck. Don't get too excited, or I'll feel even worse
Dr Amanda Crowell:about my own situation. So you go mute about your
Dr Amanda Crowell:accomplishments. If someone's interested, you reason they'll
Dr Amanda Crowell:ask and your box shrinks. Then, along comes your friend who's
Dr Amanda Crowell:great at complaining. Don't pretend like you have a good
Dr Amanda Crowell:life. You and I both know that life sucks. Come on, let's
Dr Amanda Crowell:complain. And then you find yourself actually complaining
Dr Amanda Crowell:about this amazing opportunity in and then you find yourself
Dr Amanda Crowell:actually complaining about this amazing opportunity and feeling
Dr Amanda Crowell:like a traitor to your own life. And your box gets a little bit
Dr Amanda Crowell:tighter.
Dr Amanda Crowell:Finally, the worst friend of all comes along the insecure diva, I
Dr Amanda Crowell:suppose to be the one who's amazing. What do you mean you
Dr Amanda Crowell:have this great opportunity. I never get great opportunities
Dr Amanda Crowell:anymore. I guess my time is over. She lays a hand across her
Dr Amanda Crowell:bow. And she lays a hand across her brow peeking at you through
Dr Amanda Crowell:one eye just to make sure you're taking the bait, which you do,
Dr Amanda Crowell:assuring her that your opportunity is really not that
Dr Amanda Crowell:great. And all of her opportunities were better. And
Dr Amanda Crowell:suddenly the Your opportunity is not that great. And all of her
Dr Amanda Crowell:opportunities were obviously so much better. Suddenly, that box
Dr Amanda Crowell:has a kung fu grip on your heart, and it's squeezing.
Dr Amanda Crowell:Please forgive me when I say this. You need to fuck that
Dr Amanda Crowell:shit.
Dr Amanda Crowell:Let me introduce you to a new set of friends. These friends
Dr Amanda Crowell:hear about your accomplishments, and they help you celebrate it.
Dr Amanda Crowell:They take you out for drinks and tell the waiter to ring cake.
Dr Amanda Crowell:They ask probing questions to go. They ask probing questions
Dr Amanda Crowell:to get all the gory, amazing details and would shout it from
Dr Amanda Crowell:the rooftops if you just let them. When you say it's no big
Dr Amanda Crowell:deal. They say Are you kidding? It's the biggest deal. When you
Dr Amanda Crowell:say I know. But I still haven't heard back about when you when
Dr Amanda Crowell:you say I know. But you still haven't heard back about your
Dr Amanda Crowell:own opportunity. They say, this isn't about me, my day is
Dr Amanda Crowell:coming. This is about you, and how proud I am of you. Maybe
Dr Amanda Crowell:these feel like unrealistic expectations to have for your
Dr Amanda Crowell:friends. But I'm pretty sure that at least some of your
Dr Amanda Crowell:existing friends would transform immediately. Once you help them
Dr Amanda Crowell:get free of their own terrible little box.
Dr Amanda Crowell:Friendship is one of those things where people are
Dr Amanda Crowell:constantly cueing off each other. If you are unequivocally
Dr Amanda Crowell:excited about your opportunity, they will be too. And if you are
Dr Amanda Crowell:unequivocally excited about their successes, they'll
Dr Amanda Crowell:probably do the same for you. And if they don't, it's time for
Dr Amanda Crowell:new friends. Here's a rather long quote slash poem that I
Dr Amanda Crowell:love you may have heard before, it's from Marianne Williamson.
Dr Amanda Crowell:And it gets at the heart of why we allow ourselves to live in
Dr Amanda Crowell:this neighborhood of terrible tiny boxes.
Dr Amanda Crowell:Here we go. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our
Dr Amanda Crowell:deepest fear is that we are powerful. beyond measure. It is
Dr Amanda Crowell:our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask
Dr Amanda Crowell:ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented,
Dr Amanda Crowell:fabulous. Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of
Dr Amanda Crowell:God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is
Dr Amanda Crowell:nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people
Dr Amanda Crowell:don't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as
Dr Amanda Crowell:children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God
Dr Amanda Crowell:that is within us. It's not just in some of us. It's in everyone.
Dr Amanda Crowell:And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give
Dr Amanda Crowell:other people permission to do the same.
Dr Amanda Crowell:Now, as your friend, here's what I want you to know. You have my
Dr Amanda Crowell:permission to blow us all away. I want to watch you soar Far,
Dr Amanda Crowell:far away. And then I want you to come back and tell me stories. I
Dr Amanda Crowell:don't need you by my side to make me feel better. I need you
Dr Amanda Crowell:to wave at me from all the way up there to show me how far it's
Dr Amanda Crowell:possible to go. It's hard for us to say these things to each
Dr Amanda Crowell:other. Not just because we wonder when our turn will come.
Dr Amanda Crowell:But because we will miss you. But I know that you'll be back,
Dr Amanda Crowell:ready to share your stories and helped me unlock my own
Dr Amanda Crowell:potential. So now, go, be amazing. And I'll be right here.
